We have many televisions. Some of them up to 80” in size. Some of them small and you can carry them around and even into the bathroom, like a personal television that you don’t have to share and they still even have a remote so you can point the remote at the TV to adjust the volume or the channel while you have it with you in the toilet.
We have food like you wouldn’t believe. We don’t have a menu but we have plenty of food. Don’t believe us? Ask Tommy Muscles about the corned beef he had last week. Ask Monica Sportscar about the bowl of crackers she had last week. Ask the kid who followed Monica Sportscar into the place about the chicken pasta thing he ate last week. We have whatever you want because our cook will cook whatever you want if you ask him to cook it. He comes to your table no middle man to mess up the order, so he comes to your table and makes some small talk. The small talk is also whatever you want to talk about. Some people like to talk about politics or the weather. He’ll talk about that. One time he talked about Pilates with a table of people. The entire table was talking about it and he talked about it back to them. Then he’ll ask everyone what they want then he makes it. Ask the people online, search the reviews, it's true and affordable. The food is affordable for regular people so you can budget for it easy.
We’ve got games. There are games that cost money to play like video games and games that are free to play like tag. You can play tag with whoever you want, it’s free. We’ve got that. We have that game where you put a card on your forehead and then you guess what it is or other people guess, we’re not sure of the rules but that’s also free and a game we have. We have it so you can do like a real game show if you want like with a stage and everything and it can be on the TVs if you pay money. We have Price is Right here. It’s crazy.
We have an area where you can work out your problems with people you have a relationship with but might be having some trouble. There’s an area where you can go with them and you can bring your food and you can just work things out because it was probably all just a misunderstanding anyway that’s usually the case just a big misunderstanding probably you borrowed their car and the other person thought that was messed up but that turned into a lifelong estrangement. Well here we have an area to get that settled once and for all.
What else do we have?
We have free parking. When you drive here and stop your car and get out and leave it you don’t have to pay. The parking is right near where you come inside the restaurant so you also don’t have to walk far after you drove here because then what would be the point of driving? So we put the parking close to the door. Your feet will thank us! It’s also fully complementary, on us. So no need to worry about budgeting the parking into the budget for the dinner. Just budget the dinner and any games and if you need to work out an issue with someone you’re having some problems with, that costs some money we forgot to mention that when we were talking about it just before. But don’t worry about parking your car after you drive here because that is totally free.
We have this thing also where if you want you can eat dressed up as the scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where they are at the palace and are all dressed up and eat exotic dishes that gross out the white woman in the movie. You can do that and dress up like whoever you want and we have the room and the table and all that. The cook will make all the stuff that you need to do the dinner from Indiana Jones. But the monkey brains part isn’t monkey brains because of the laws and the expense preventing monkey brains whenever someone wants them so instead there are extremely believable substitutes for both the monkey skulls and the brains inside. Don’t worry you wont be able to tell and also don’t worry it’s not real monkeys, so double good. Now should you have to budget for the Indiana Jones dinner? You tell us! This is something where if you want to pay extra you can but if you don’t then you don’t have to. At O'Houlihan's we give you the choice of what to pay for the Indiana Jones dinner, it’s another thing we have, the choice to pay for this thing what you want.
We have the back office where usually in other places the customers aren’t allowed but here you’re allowed in the back office especially if you know how to do payroll and pay bills and do taxes. You can come here and then into the back office and crunch some numbers and then say you wanted to make a schedule for the staff you could put one together on the spot no problem. The back office has a microphone too where when you push a button and talk into it everyone at O'Houlihan's can hear what you’re saying, like everyone in any room. People like that and tend to have some fun with it. You can say a joke or tell a story or bodily function into the mic and see what happens because there are some screens that show what’s happening in all the parts of the restaurant so when you say the thing you decide to say you can then look at the screens and see what kind of reaction you got from all the people everywhere.
We have a swimming pool here that is pretty unique and we think you’ll love. You can go into it with regular clothes on if you want because sometimes you forget a bathing suit or you decide last minute that you want to swim and you didn’t bring a bathing suit. In our pool it’s ok because you can just get in and you can bring in your food and TV if you want. There are two trained lifeguards on duty so if you think it’s dangerous you’re just plain wrong. The pool is kept at 85 degrees Fahrenheit so it’s not too cold and is kind of tepid. The pool is free and the back office is free.
Of course we have a hat store too so drive over here to eat at O'Houlihan's!
PS - Some people ask about the kinds of hats you can get and so we're here to tell you you can get bucket hats and baseball caps and cowboy hats and extra huge cowboy hats and Indiana Jones hats and monkey head hats and Price is Right hats. One thing is for sure is that all the hats have the trademarked O'Houlihan's logo on them, most of the time embroidered. And the hats do cost money, just need to let everyone know that for budgeting the hats are not free but you can tell the cook to add a hat to your check when you order food because the nice thing about our hats is they are all the same price. The hat store you can also browse if you're not 100% sure about the hat you want or you want to try on a hat to see which one everyone thinks looks the best on you and there is a mirror for you to confirm. We have the mirror which is free of charge but there is only the one even though it's pretty big and several people can use it at one time we still kindly ask that you limit your time in front of the mirror so other people can have a turn to see their hats.